WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE 152

Well, as this disease progresses, I become less and less mobile. Moving is what I assume to be similar to being 152. I know there’s something wrong when my 79 year old mother walks faster than me and has to hold me up. Therefore, moving is contraindicated. However, sitting is BORING! Some days, no matter how interesting the subject, I can only read so much.

It’s one thing to have difficulty moving, it’s another thing to be totally mobile one day and not the next. It’s one thing to have one set of muscles improve, yet another to have another set deteriorate. It’s one thing to tell the hand to move to the mouth yet have it drop your food on your lap. It’s one thing to say I feel like I’m getting better only to find it isn’t so.

And it’s a damned pisser to get hit so suddenly and be so crippled. I’m too young to be this sick.

Somehow, I never imagined I would experience anything like this, I've always been so boringly healthy. There are many emotional challenges to this, so perhaps that's the purpose for my experience. I have to choose where I invest my energy since it's limited. Physically, there is only so much I can do, so I have to look away when I see that the floor needs to be swept and mopped. Some days are harder than others. Little family annoyances become even smaller as I choose whether or not to get involved. On the other hand, there is a lot of time for contemplation.

My children are all fine, grown adults and are happy with themselves and their lives. Even though the youngest is 23, I still worry about who will be there for them if I'm not. They have each other and are truly supportive of one another. But, what if they need me? I worry about that sometimes.

Maybe, I’m the lesson and not the student.